Just some rambling.

Things have been really hard, but I really do have hope. I've made the decision that I'm going no where near Facebook or Twitter for a bit, I open those pages like I go to the fridge when I can't think or am bored... (mostly fruitless journey's I might add!) This weekend if I decide to catch up on anything of that ilk then it will be Boundless.org articles. I got in from CU tonight and just started tidying, which is a great thing. It always helps me focus, whenever I have prayer vigils I always start by tidying and cleaning.

I've also got to do something different with music, even though Amanda Palmer's solo music isn't going to drive me crazy like Girl Anachronism did, and so I can enjoy it's beauty, I need to really focus on giving my heart back to God. So it will be a weekend of Brenton Brown, Tim Hughes, Matt Redman, Rebecca St James and Casting Crowns - with maybe some Superchick thrown in if I'm feeling really upbeat!

The pain in my right arm is really starting to annoy me, and I've realised that it's a bit of RSI from playing Circe, which means I'm going to have to give the 'cello a rest for a few days. Though I can't say that's a bad thing, playing melancholic music doesn't aid, especially when I do it so badly!

... I just started to get distracted by Boundless! That's good... but Office Hours (one of the best column's EVER) can and must wait until at least tomorrow.

Over the next two days I'm going to re-focus my mind, going to work out eating properly as well. Track down some chorizo and made bean stew in my new casserole, that will made me feel better! Hum, still got to work out what to do with the chicken, maybe just do it like I did the last one, put it in the oven in batches to make extra crispy... I haven't done that yet because I just haven't been hungry... I really need to sort that out - though the reintroduction of breakfast has been AMAZING! Which is one of the reasons why I don't want to go on the elimination diet the dietician suggested, because I won't be able to eat rye, and I'll have to eat rice... which I'm technically allergic to which doesn't make sense! Also Lamb does make me feel sick... so I really don't see how that will work. Heavens! If that's been at the back of my mind all this time, then...no wonder. Okay, I really do have to stop worrying about that! I will eat. (not now because I'll not sleep!) But tomorrow, I will eat rye flakes with dates, figs, apricots and cranberries and goats yoguart. Then chicken and chips, with maybe some spinach (if its still edible!) if not, then some of the brassicaceaes which are in the freezer. Hum, then I'll make me stew!

Need a list now... going to update my other blog, then sign off and find some make-up remover... which is the only reason why I don't do this everyday! I miss it, dressing up. Grabbing random layers and putting them together and not giving a damn what the world thinks, I don't get why I only do it when I'm depressed, and it's not... it's not hiding (I mean... probably partially, because I was less noticed like that!) it's reverting to self, to self expression in the way I connect most! I feel more comfortable in a corset and a flowing skirt than I ever could in a pair of trousers! It would be better if I had some decent Victorian lace-up boots like I used to, but I'll have to make do with my modern shoes! (though to have ballet shoes inside is amazing, because I can feel the laces tied against my legs and if I take the boots off then I can curl up and feel the satin against the floor or my hands, and that's beautiful. Like being barefoot on a lawn on a dewy summer morning, the cool wet grass against skin, the sun shinning down, onto tiptoes, pirouette, cool breeze, hair flowing, simple long, cotton gown made off modest rough fabric - unbleached, like the dress I had from Harriet when I was 13, simple, elegant, comfortable. Dancing across that lawn, like the lawn at Upton, lying sleeping, going to the window seat, like at Cotehele, watching the rain pour down, then going to the Library, layed out like the one at Coughton Court. Oh my, dreaming little doormouse! Sleep!

Resting in the Shadow of God

This must begin.

I have waited for the moment to begin this, but now seems quite apt. For it is when in the pit of despair that the soul cries out most for God, and in His very awesomeness, His presence in our lives He answers.

At the Christian Union meeting tonight there was a question posed, asking the three most important things in our lives. All that came into my mind: 1) Father, 2) Son, 3) Spirit. Because... without God, what is life? It's nothingness disappears into the abyss, completely lost, and pointless. Yet that relationship, that trinity that is visible in the Creator's creation, without relation to God, there is no purpose or design, without relation to others, God's design cannot be encouraged, and edified (though there are half a hundred words to describe this). The point is, we need, and desire primarily God, and secondly God's creation. Without the first, the second becomes distorted and destroyed, without the second - yes there is survival - but without the second the first has such little poignance.

This is all an aside. When we are hurt and weak, God moves, regardless of whether we see or not, He moves. My life recently has been a flurry of bad events, trying to see God through them has been hard. Recently I've come to the realisation (though my own reflection, and the insight of trusted friends) that I'm alright, even if things are bad, and upsetting, that's fine, because I KNOW God is there, I'm not going to try to not know that, I could never get back to that, I tried it for a time, almost destroyed me!

Yet with God through all of it, how ever dark it gets, there is such light, a light that can never be overshadowed or overcome. A light that has won victory over darkness, over death, over sin, all for me, and in my place. Deny that... and deny life.

At some point in this post I was also going to get the point that God made to me earlier. A little time ago, a friend of mine did a study that really spoke. He talked about resting the shadow of God. Now that sounds like quite a challenging phrase to understand, I currently forget his talk on it, but I felt like it was something I needed to know again. I was inspired to read Genesis 19 earlier... I got to verse eight "unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof." For Lot, these 'men' who had come under the shadow of his roof meant he had a right to protect them above all others, above his own family. This began me thinking, if Lot, a sinful man, would protect strangers above his daughters because they dwelt in his shadow, if we dwell in the shadow of God, how much protection and safety do we have? In the shadow of God, we are safer than than if we were anywhere else. Psalm 91 "He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. he shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler." There, firmly secured within the Old Testament Psalms is that beautiful imagery we see in Ephesians 6, the belt of truth.

Above all, we must trust God. His protection is above the snares, against the arrows, beyond darkness and behind Him, in His shadow. Live in the shadow of the Almighty, dwell in God.

I feel like making this a little bit more account like... I've got a bit more of my essay done, and am just taking a break to write this whilst I look up some random facts like the date of the fall of Constantinople. I found a great new coffee shop. I just didn't feel like Starbucks this morning, and Silbury will be so... crowded! So I found some free parking (in the fog...) behind the hub and am now in Gloria Jeans, drinking Mudslide coffee... I like this, I like this a lot.

The weekend was interesting, lighting fires and keeping them going, not easy when the wind is blowing down the chimney... but it didn't chock me out... which is wonderful! Managed to get that sorted eventually, Saturday I went to see Deneille and got to meet the rest of the family, which was fantastic! After I went to see Colette, which was a great time just curled up on the sofa chatting, decided not to get into the argument about the ordination of women... she thinks its unbiblical. That evening was Roger's party, lots of fun! Enjoyed helping set up, seeing some old friends, and chatting with some great people I had only ever heard of in passing.

Sunday was lovely at church, Harvey asked me to be involved in the Carol Concert next week, which is going to be fun, makes me really feel a part of the church, especially after his email about it! Carol Concert outside in mid-December... going to be fun! Yesterday I spent too much time in Silbury... its a strange place to be... felt all... homely, especially with Laurence trying to put mini plastic blue combs in my hair... WEIRDO!

Now I really should get back to my essay...

I was in fact just accosted by the Divinity Mafia! Ha!

So this head has to start working, I think a major kick in the head is needed here. Hum. "Hey hey that's freedom you hear" lets get this brain into gear.

Marlowe was the greatest playwright that ever lived, from his translations of Ovid to a semi-biography of the great Tamur! Full of reference after reference to mythology, theology and just the most amazing jokes in the world! He brought Helen of Troy back from the dead and played tricks on the Pope! How could anything compare? I mean...seriously, this stuff should be legendary, and yet there are only a select number of people who know his name. Over shadowed by a mere pseudonym, maybe he'd have liked it that way. In a way...it's the work that matters not the name behind it! If it is pure stunning beauty screaming out from a page, then it matters not the name that wrote it, for it will be valued whatever the consequences. 

"This life is alien to me" those are Klara's words on her return from the East. The crawls across Europe to find that the man she loved killed himself, and that only one of her friends doesn't blame her for it. Her life... completely broken, she has no family, no home, the orphan adopted my an Austrian Jewish family in 1930's Austria, who years later was tortured near to death, but only lost her sight, she was fated from the moment she was dragged from her mothers arms.

Part of me ponders where that came from, but... part of me really isn't sure I want to know. I love Klara, has to be one of the most exciting characters I've ever invented, I mean... she's AMAZING, she survives longer than all of them, crafted to the role of Taliesin, her father a prince of Rome (in the pre-papacy sense!), her mother so beautiful, the lady destroyed after her husbands death by the traitor of a kingdom. Then murdered by her uncle, and then... Julian's saviour until her supposed death, and eventually Jenna's friend. Oh I love her!

I should probably write an entire book on her.

Today was amazing, my lecturer was FANTASTIC! I mean... I've been raving about her all day. There are very few people who inspire me, and it looks like there is only good yet to come, it's the sort of thing that I'm not going to lose my enthusiasm for.

There is so much I could go on about, but just got an email from her with the handout I didn't get, so must make a reading list for the morning before things get hectic.

SMdeB ESE x

This morning I took the first step in God's new challenge to me. I'm not expecting this challenge to be easy, or to be able to do it all at once, it'll be a step at a time. There are hundreds of reasons for putting this off, but not least that it scares me, but I say that, yet I'm not that scared.

Ever since I was a little girl I've known what God wanted me to do. He's challenged me again and again, and if I haven't followed through on it, if I haven't listened then I'll discover at some point it's happening that way anyway. So part of me wants to say that I don't want to take this step because my discernment isn't keen enough, but when have I been wrong? When have my ears not heard? My eyes not seen? I went through a stage of not knowing how to find God, yet when was I ever without him? When I was at school I set my eyes to Corpus Christi. Part of it was that beautiful little college at Cambridge where Kit Marlowe studies, and that excited my heart, but really, really it was just the name... the name Corpus Christi. As soon as I found how to turn to Him again He showed me, He told me that I was to work within the Church, that I was to make this world see what Church really is. What church really is.... how it should be..... the Body of Christ.

I may take this one step at a time, and it may be another leap of faith. Yet to be deaf to something He's been telling me for years, to ignore something that He hasn't told me once, or even twice, but far more oft than that. I sit here and I stare at Circumstance, and wonder... how long we have left together, because I'm really not sure how long it will be. I know that if I start to use her to worship Him, then she'll stay... but what a challenge! Step by step.

So, after the amazing awesomness that was Imagine I went to Wales! I've been at a residential library in North Wales since Monday, things have been so awesome! Monday I was getting a train at a local train station that was almost impossible to work out. Walking across train tracks does throw one I have to say. I met this girl and God just let me speak to her, and let her open up to me... she started crying at one point! I can name ten people off the top of my head that He's done that to through me. I just kind of swoop in, tell them and show them that God loves them, and then I never see them again... Maybe one day they'll be a chance to see the change that he's used me to make in their lives, but more and more I have to leave it in His hands and just not know.

The library is amazing, I've been in there quite a bit reading. There are a couple of Bishops here one American and another Australian, they're 'recovering' from the Lambeth conference, but I'm learning lots. Especially from my new church of Wales friend who used to go to a Vinyard church and is now an Anglican Priest, she's great and we've had wonderful discussions. I'm getting a clearer picture of what I'm going to be doing next... I'm pretty sure that I've planned by dissertation, though...erm it would be a thesis if I wrote it how I want to... So some narrowing of the field will need doing! But hey I've got two years.

Anyhow I best be off.

SMdeB xxxx