Right now I don't want to be in this room, this house, this town. I'm rubbing tears from my eyes again and I realise I've spent more hours crying in this room than not, it feels so familiar to be crying in this room, with baskets of flowers on the walls, black paint from the beam falling into my hair and the rattle of the window as the traffic passes by. I don't want to be crying, but I can't seem to stop myself. My chest aches near my heart, I know it's just stress, I just wish it wasn't.

I'm not made not to care, I'm not made not to want to understand, I'm not made not to love. I love unconditionally, I love without hesitation, I love those whom I cannot trust, and those I cannot trust are only those who have broken my trust more than once, I love before I do anything else, that is who I am, that is how I am.

I do not use this word lightly, I do not talk of romantic love - that I have chosen to sacrifice, I talk of the love that God has shown me, the love that binds me to Him and to the creatures I share this world with, the love that IS God. He has shared with me love that is unrelenting, sacrificial, unconditional and my love is a reflection of that, though a poor one compared to the original, I am but creature. I love because He loves, I strive to love that which He loves.

I would rather love like this than not, yet this love has cost me dear. This love is the reasons for all my tears, this love for those who have hurt and beaten me down, my love for those who have fallen away, my love for those who are lost, have been lost and will yet be lost, my love for those who have thrown me away, rejected and feared me. This love is costly, it is painful and so as a friend once told me - for those people whom we love it is right to cry and we walk down the street with tears in our eyes for the broken, how much better is it to cry for them rather than be someone who does not see them, does not notice them, does not care, does not want to care.

Now I think it is time with to let the frankincense fill the air, let the psalms fill my mind and sit at the feet of my Lord and pray.