I'm sitting here with an essay that needs urgent attention, hair that needs washing, a kitchen that needs tidying and... I'm just sitting here. The sun shinning on my face, listening to Savage Garden's Affirmation and Declaration the same song just played twice - the live version then the studio, 23 songs on shuffle and they follow one another.
I'm not doing anything right now and there are many things I need to do. I look around at all the things the intentions in this room and I start asking myself, 'what am I scared of?' because it is fear that is keeping me here, keeping me from motivation, from action. I look at the shelves and shelves of books and think about how many I want to read, knowing full well that if I sat down and started reading them it wouldn't take me long and I'd enjoy it. But I'm too scared... too scared to read...what!?!
Suddenly the answer comes to me, I'm scared of being me. My memories run back to summer holidays spent reading, dreaming, writing. The days I dedicated to that, that is who I am. Yet that girl was tortured and hated. I'm scared of the consequences of being myself. Yet right now. Right now I can be that girl, I need to be that girl, the girl who reads and dreams and writes and doesn't give a damn about the abuse she's suffer for it, because right now I'm not going to suffer the abuse from it. Not from the wonderful and lovely people around me who will be right there with me, the people who will help me dream, who I can talk ideas with. Who will never shoot me down for existing. The memories are coming back, but there is nothing I can do about that except learn not to hate myself for how I was treated.
Saturday 19 March 2011
Sunday 6 March 2011
Rambling thoughts.
I stood and stared into the sea and I heard God speak and it baffled me. Yet I knew in that moment that there was hope, there was future, that standing there at the edge of the sea was what I was meant to be doing at that moment of my life.
The first time someone I loved left me I was 8, my best friend moved to the other side of the country and I didn't see him for a year. I spoke to him every day, I cried myself to sleep, I started wondering if it wouldn't be better if I died because then I could be with God and this would be over. On two occasions I got close to trying to kill myself, in those moments God stopped me, images came into my mind of me lying on the kitchen floor dead and how my parents would react and I knew I couldn't do that to them. It was like my world had fallen apart. Though then was still a chance, I planned the journey down to visit him, I knew which trains I had to get, where the changes were, I worked out how to get into London and which train to get out, which boat to catch when I got to Penzance.
You see, he was one of the people who got me through the day, who kept me going. He wasn't like the girls who would be my friend one day then hate me the next, he wasn't going to turn around and stab me in the back, him being around made the rest bearable. When the stones came hurtling down the clay track behind me, I ignored it, I forced it out of my mind. I got through to the morning because then I get to see T again and I'd forget about everyone else, about how much they hurt me. They didn't stop though, every chance they got for ten years. Then this grief stricken girl goes home because someone has died again and they vandalise the car they see her driving.
In 2008 I went home four times, each because someone had died, twice they wrecked the car. Then somehow last summer I thought I was strong enough to take it on. I didn't see them, they weren't there. Maybe they've all been locked up or left, maybe it's safe now.
No, it's never safe. Not there, each place is a memory. I remember the days I hid in my room away from the window scared if they saw me they'd throw a brick through it. The days I didn't want to leave the house because there was no route where I was certain I would avoid them. The abuse I would get between the bus stop and my house if I went out. The jeers from the bastards who yelled those insults at me for the best part of the 14 years I was bullied for.
I have good memories of that place but I don't know where they are. I can't find them. Maybe the days I spent down in Angie's book shop lost in a world of fantasy and adventure. Walks with Emlyn round the meadows.
Right now it is so easy to blame myself, to come up with some reason why it's my fault, my fault that they never stopped hurting me, my fault that everyone died. These memories are coming back, the moments that part of me knew had happened, but the moments I didn't remember before. At least now I know where those mysterious bruises came from... ontop of the pain, the memories, over and above that is how much I loved Adam, how much it would all be bearable if I could once more look into his eyes and rest my head upon his shoulder.
I need to find another way out. I need to find a way to do this work I want and need to do, all of this, I need to find a way to live without this taking over. For the last few days I've been wanting to rewind to before this summer, to change it so I didn't go back. I was so happy, so full of joy, so alive, nothing could contain my happiness for just being alive. Then my heart broke again, for that little girl who was powerless to do anything else, and for Adam. I feel like a shadow that's bleeding and I want this over. I want this to end more than anything.
I want to go back to the girl that can take on the world. Who has hope and happiness and love.
The first time someone I loved left me I was 8, my best friend moved to the other side of the country and I didn't see him for a year. I spoke to him every day, I cried myself to sleep, I started wondering if it wouldn't be better if I died because then I could be with God and this would be over. On two occasions I got close to trying to kill myself, in those moments God stopped me, images came into my mind of me lying on the kitchen floor dead and how my parents would react and I knew I couldn't do that to them. It was like my world had fallen apart. Though then was still a chance, I planned the journey down to visit him, I knew which trains I had to get, where the changes were, I worked out how to get into London and which train to get out, which boat to catch when I got to Penzance.
You see, he was one of the people who got me through the day, who kept me going. He wasn't like the girls who would be my friend one day then hate me the next, he wasn't going to turn around and stab me in the back, him being around made the rest bearable. When the stones came hurtling down the clay track behind me, I ignored it, I forced it out of my mind. I got through to the morning because then I get to see T again and I'd forget about everyone else, about how much they hurt me. They didn't stop though, every chance they got for ten years. Then this grief stricken girl goes home because someone has died again and they vandalise the car they see her driving.
In 2008 I went home four times, each because someone had died, twice they wrecked the car. Then somehow last summer I thought I was strong enough to take it on. I didn't see them, they weren't there. Maybe they've all been locked up or left, maybe it's safe now.
No, it's never safe. Not there, each place is a memory. I remember the days I hid in my room away from the window scared if they saw me they'd throw a brick through it. The days I didn't want to leave the house because there was no route where I was certain I would avoid them. The abuse I would get between the bus stop and my house if I went out. The jeers from the bastards who yelled those insults at me for the best part of the 14 years I was bullied for.
I have good memories of that place but I don't know where they are. I can't find them. Maybe the days I spent down in Angie's book shop lost in a world of fantasy and adventure. Walks with Emlyn round the meadows.
Right now it is so easy to blame myself, to come up with some reason why it's my fault, my fault that they never stopped hurting me, my fault that everyone died. These memories are coming back, the moments that part of me knew had happened, but the moments I didn't remember before. At least now I know where those mysterious bruises came from... ontop of the pain, the memories, over and above that is how much I loved Adam, how much it would all be bearable if I could once more look into his eyes and rest my head upon his shoulder.
I need to find another way out. I need to find a way to do this work I want and need to do, all of this, I need to find a way to live without this taking over. For the last few days I've been wanting to rewind to before this summer, to change it so I didn't go back. I was so happy, so full of joy, so alive, nothing could contain my happiness for just being alive. Then my heart broke again, for that little girl who was powerless to do anything else, and for Adam. I feel like a shadow that's bleeding and I want this over. I want this to end more than anything.
I want to go back to the girl that can take on the world. Who has hope and happiness and love.
Thursday 3 March 2011
I dreamt last night of a man I have loved and still love, it would be easier for that love to die with death, but it still lives, yet he does not and it burns me up.
This is not a short journey, it is not a quick moment that passes like the seasons, it is slow and it is painful, and I must find a way to live. A way to be without the agony that encompasses me, that makes me dread the sleep that I need so desperately, this life is something new.
This is not a short journey, it is not a quick moment that passes like the seasons, it is slow and it is painful, and I must find a way to live. A way to be without the agony that encompasses me, that makes me dread the sleep that I need so desperately, this life is something new.
Wednesday 2 March 2011
How Morwenna Happened
I'm sitting here trying not to look at the screen I'm typing onto because my head decided half way through my lecture this morning that it wanted to have a migraine, but then my head was too alive to sleep and so I'm sat here typing.
I've put together a playlist with the songs I listened to one spring, round about Easter, March 2003, David Bowie, Daniel Bedingfield and Alanis Morisette, these songs aren't about how good or bad the music is, but about the memories that flood back. I sat curled up in the corner of my bedroom, this CD playing reading Guy Gavriel Kay's Fionavar Tapestry and after three days of reading I walked down to Angie's bookshop and looked through the shelves for something I wanted to read and found nothing. What I needed was something that would jump into my hand and keep me gripped hour after hour. So I sat down and looked through University and College websites, deciding on where I wanted to go. Then with nothing else to do an idea came to mind.
An idea that changed my life.
"I've been writing short stories, but I'm tired of these short stories, they don't go anywhere, and I can't find anything I want to read. Why don't I write something? More than a short story? A story that I want to read. What's stopping me? All these ideas running through my head. Right, okay, I'll write a book."
I thought of names, I thought of places, I couldn't work out surnames so I opened the phonebook at random pages and used the names that stood out. I set it in Cambridge and on the Cornish coast, and an island and... started with seven characters and now have over thirty....
There were two people I told about the stories that I wrote, as I sat day after day with a pen and a book and then a computer and pages and pages and files and files and all of this. Two people I would share those stories with as they sat with me. One has been suffering from ME for 7 years, the other is dead.
My manuscript exists, the story unreadable because of the parts that I knew and forgot to write, the writing terrible and in need of rewriting, but the ideas are wonderful and fill me with joy, there are parts of it I cannot read without crying both with sadness and happiness. It is a wonderful story, and I want to finish it, to give to Tamsin and in memory of Adam. I want it written perfectly, beautiful and printed, bound, I want it like that. For them and for myself, to remind me of what I have done with this life, what I am capable of and the things that I truly love.
I've put together a playlist with the songs I listened to one spring, round about Easter, March 2003, David Bowie, Daniel Bedingfield and Alanis Morisette, these songs aren't about how good or bad the music is, but about the memories that flood back. I sat curled up in the corner of my bedroom, this CD playing reading Guy Gavriel Kay's Fionavar Tapestry and after three days of reading I walked down to Angie's bookshop and looked through the shelves for something I wanted to read and found nothing. What I needed was something that would jump into my hand and keep me gripped hour after hour. So I sat down and looked through University and College websites, deciding on where I wanted to go. Then with nothing else to do an idea came to mind.
An idea that changed my life.
"I've been writing short stories, but I'm tired of these short stories, they don't go anywhere, and I can't find anything I want to read. Why don't I write something? More than a short story? A story that I want to read. What's stopping me? All these ideas running through my head. Right, okay, I'll write a book."
I thought of names, I thought of places, I couldn't work out surnames so I opened the phonebook at random pages and used the names that stood out. I set it in Cambridge and on the Cornish coast, and an island and... started with seven characters and now have over thirty....
There were two people I told about the stories that I wrote, as I sat day after day with a pen and a book and then a computer and pages and pages and files and files and all of this. Two people I would share those stories with as they sat with me. One has been suffering from ME for 7 years, the other is dead.
My manuscript exists, the story unreadable because of the parts that I knew and forgot to write, the writing terrible and in need of rewriting, but the ideas are wonderful and fill me with joy, there are parts of it I cannot read without crying both with sadness and happiness. It is a wonderful story, and I want to finish it, to give to Tamsin and in memory of Adam. I want it written perfectly, beautiful and printed, bound, I want it like that. For them and for myself, to remind me of what I have done with this life, what I am capable of and the things that I truly love.
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