Here it is:

My life can be crazy, so full, so intense, as soon as that intensity stops I begin to crash. That crashing can be anything, from health to happiness.

I don't want that!

I don't want that anylonger... for so long it was all I was used to. I either run myself to burn out, or I stop and can't get up. I want to be happy, I want to find all my energy in God, I want to be so sure of who I am that nothing can shake me because my identity is ONLY found in Christ. I want to be strong enough to recognise the tricks of the devil so that I don't fall without realising what I'm doing. I know that there was the day over the summer when he tried to take me down, but everything was so clear. He keeps trying to take me down in the same way, but I'm so lost I don't stop it... I'm not fighting, I'm throwing one punch and giving up! I'm praying the armour of God for a day and then forgetting the next. I'm losing myself... I'm losing God. That's not who I am! That has never been who I am!

This is a fight that is already won, I cannot surrender when my victory has already been won! It's as if I'm trying to say to God I don't want you... I don't want salvation. I know that is such a lie! If God hadn't been present in my life the way He has, I would be dead, I would no one... I would have no identity, I could have no life. This is a fight for my life, a fight Christ won on the cross... a fight for my life... well you know what? I'm never going to die! Christian's can't die, none of us, we have salvation by the one who hold keys to death, we will NEVER die, we will fall asleep! We can only ever fall asleep! So trying to drag me away from that... could never succeed, I may have lost so much to death, yet at the funeral of the man who held the Kingdom in his heart was such a moment of peace. It was as if God was saying... live like that! Know me like that! He's not dead, he's just asleep, and he lives eternally. It was the most peaceful day of my life, how can I forget that? I look for those who hold the Kingdom in their heart, but I forget to strive for that...

The Kingdom of God is the deepest desire of my heart, it has been all my life. The song that was stuck in my head last year, the song that came back to me again and again until I stopped and thought about the words this summer. It plagued me, because God was telling me, He really was saying "seek ye first the Kingdom" I spent so long ignoring it, it took a year before I listened... I have to listen!

I feel like just writing a incredibly short entry like this:

Last night was awesome, God is amazing. That is all...

But I won't.

Last night I got to the end of my tether with this stuff, I couldn't stop crying, and got so sick of it. I said enough is enough. What ever this is I can face it, because God is here, and with me. So I took out my candles, incense, oil burner. In a dimly lit muggy room I started to pray. Pausing I felt inspired to re-write Ephesians 6:10ff, which is in Greek on my wall, and as I copied it out again, I prayed, I prayed each bit of it. I put on the Armour of God. I carried on praying. Sent some prayer request texts out, because I knew the dangers in what I was doing, and I started to ask God why.

Then it came, the answer, the words that I had heard earlier... Righteous Anger, I was angry, I was so angry. Yet somehow, that anger had been manipulated into hate, hate towards other people, towards God, and in an incredibly self-destructive way, towards myself. I began to think about Adam, about how he died, and knew that I was angry and that was okay. I gave up the hatred that had filled me, hatred towards those who had threatened my life, those that had entered my dreams. I let it go, I let God take it. I began to worship God, I let myself go, and joy began to fill me again!

Then came the ultimate test, I took out the list that I had made, a list of situations to deal with, to let go of, a list that I would have broken down reading a few hours previously. I read this list, and I felt nothing, no anger, no pain. There was too much joy in my heart.

So let me say it again. GOD IS AMAZING!

Indeed, it is time for a change my darling. Look around you, see how bright the day is, the day which you shut out like Haig... You are NOT Miss Haversham! He never meant that as a compliment, so do not for a second take THAT as a compliment. 

Dreams like last night... should not be in your mind. I crawled inside my wardrobe to hide from the world this morning, I needed to be completely surrounded. I read something that I shouldn't have last night. Part of me wants to face it, face what they did, what they said, but I can't, it's too painful. I suppose the contradictions just ring in my head, and its as if... he suggested that I change who I am to fit in, he didn't know that I'd done that, I'd done that over and again and again! And it made things worse so I gave up... because it was worse. It was worse to compromise, to change who I was, I miss who I used to be, I miss the original ME. The girl that spoke with a proper voice, who had surety, who had people around her who loved her like TJ. Then TJ left, and I suppose I gave up. Because I couldn't be strong without him, it didn't matter how the rest of them treated me, because he was there...

It does not matter anylonger, for the first time in my life, I'm surrounded by people who accept me for who I am. I had dreamt of this day, a far off dream, the imagining of a broken girl. Now I struggle, when the present is pain it is easier to get through in hope of the future, when the present is that hope, it seems easier to dwell in the past. Though regardless of this, I'm getting there, I'm making progress, and God is working in me. That is amazing. I just copied a list of bible verses from a website, I'm going to go through them, and remind myself of what God sees when he looks at me, because to Him, my clothes, my voice...none of it matters, He sees me.

It's been a year since Adam died. It's so weird, hard to believe. I'm listening to music that reminds me of him, I'm wearing gothic mourning clothes, I have to, he'd appreciate them. I don't care what the world thinks, what the world sees today. I loved him.

Just some rambling.

Things have been really hard, but I really do have hope. I've made the decision that I'm going no where near Facebook or Twitter for a bit, I open those pages like I go to the fridge when I can't think or am bored... (mostly fruitless journey's I might add!) This weekend if I decide to catch up on anything of that ilk then it will be Boundless.org articles. I got in from CU tonight and just started tidying, which is a great thing. It always helps me focus, whenever I have prayer vigils I always start by tidying and cleaning.

I've also got to do something different with music, even though Amanda Palmer's solo music isn't going to drive me crazy like Girl Anachronism did, and so I can enjoy it's beauty, I need to really focus on giving my heart back to God. So it will be a weekend of Brenton Brown, Tim Hughes, Matt Redman, Rebecca St James and Casting Crowns - with maybe some Superchick thrown in if I'm feeling really upbeat!

The pain in my right arm is really starting to annoy me, and I've realised that it's a bit of RSI from playing Circe, which means I'm going to have to give the 'cello a rest for a few days. Though I can't say that's a bad thing, playing melancholic music doesn't aid, especially when I do it so badly!

... I just started to get distracted by Boundless! That's good... but Office Hours (one of the best column's EVER) can and must wait until at least tomorrow.

Over the next two days I'm going to re-focus my mind, going to work out eating properly as well. Track down some chorizo and made bean stew in my new casserole, that will made me feel better! Hum, still got to work out what to do with the chicken, maybe just do it like I did the last one, put it in the oven in batches to make extra crispy... I haven't done that yet because I just haven't been hungry... I really need to sort that out - though the reintroduction of breakfast has been AMAZING! Which is one of the reasons why I don't want to go on the elimination diet the dietician suggested, because I won't be able to eat rye, and I'll have to eat rice... which I'm technically allergic to which doesn't make sense! Also Lamb does make me feel sick... so I really don't see how that will work. Heavens! If that's been at the back of my mind all this time, then...no wonder. Okay, I really do have to stop worrying about that! I will eat. (not now because I'll not sleep!) But tomorrow, I will eat rye flakes with dates, figs, apricots and cranberries and goats yoguart. Then chicken and chips, with maybe some spinach (if its still edible!) if not, then some of the brassicaceaes which are in the freezer. Hum, then I'll make me stew!

Need a list now... going to update my other blog, then sign off and find some make-up remover... which is the only reason why I don't do this everyday! I miss it, dressing up. Grabbing random layers and putting them together and not giving a damn what the world thinks, I don't get why I only do it when I'm depressed, and it's not... it's not hiding (I mean... probably partially, because I was less noticed like that!) it's reverting to self, to self expression in the way I connect most! I feel more comfortable in a corset and a flowing skirt than I ever could in a pair of trousers! It would be better if I had some decent Victorian lace-up boots like I used to, but I'll have to make do with my modern shoes! (though to have ballet shoes inside is amazing, because I can feel the laces tied against my legs and if I take the boots off then I can curl up and feel the satin against the floor or my hands, and that's beautiful. Like being barefoot on a lawn on a dewy summer morning, the cool wet grass against skin, the sun shinning down, onto tiptoes, pirouette, cool breeze, hair flowing, simple long, cotton gown made off modest rough fabric - unbleached, like the dress I had from Harriet when I was 13, simple, elegant, comfortable. Dancing across that lawn, like the lawn at Upton, lying sleeping, going to the window seat, like at Cotehele, watching the rain pour down, then going to the Library, layed out like the one at Coughton Court. Oh my, dreaming little doormouse! Sleep!