Here it is:

My life can be crazy, so full, so intense, as soon as that intensity stops I begin to crash. That crashing can be anything, from health to happiness.

I don't want that!

I don't want that anylonger... for so long it was all I was used to. I either run myself to burn out, or I stop and can't get up. I want to be happy, I want to find all my energy in God, I want to be so sure of who I am that nothing can shake me because my identity is ONLY found in Christ. I want to be strong enough to recognise the tricks of the devil so that I don't fall without realising what I'm doing. I know that there was the day over the summer when he tried to take me down, but everything was so clear. He keeps trying to take me down in the same way, but I'm so lost I don't stop it... I'm not fighting, I'm throwing one punch and giving up! I'm praying the armour of God for a day and then forgetting the next. I'm losing myself... I'm losing God. That's not who I am! That has never been who I am!

This is a fight that is already won, I cannot surrender when my victory has already been won! It's as if I'm trying to say to God I don't want you... I don't want salvation. I know that is such a lie! If God hadn't been present in my life the way He has, I would be dead, I would no one... I would have no identity, I could have no life. This is a fight for my life, a fight Christ won on the cross... a fight for my life... well you know what? I'm never going to die! Christian's can't die, none of us, we have salvation by the one who hold keys to death, we will NEVER die, we will fall asleep! We can only ever fall asleep! So trying to drag me away from that... could never succeed, I may have lost so much to death, yet at the funeral of the man who held the Kingdom in his heart was such a moment of peace. It was as if God was saying... live like that! Know me like that! He's not dead, he's just asleep, and he lives eternally. It was the most peaceful day of my life, how can I forget that? I look for those who hold the Kingdom in their heart, but I forget to strive for that...

The Kingdom of God is the deepest desire of my heart, it has been all my life. The song that was stuck in my head last year, the song that came back to me again and again until I stopped and thought about the words this summer. It plagued me, because God was telling me, He really was saying "seek ye first the Kingdom" I spent so long ignoring it, it took a year before I listened... I have to listen!