Exams

Right now I'm headed toward my exams, the first ones of third year, the first ones that count toward my degree, the first exams for a long time that I really want to do well in.

I'm remarkably calm considering. Last week I felt incredibly stressed, but that stress had nothing to do with exams. Trying not to re-live horrific moments in your life can be hard work, especially when part of you wants to. Sweetness in memories that tasted bitter. I spent about three or four days in this daze, my heart and my head had no idea what they were saying to each other and something inside of me was screaming in tears. I wanted to shout at someone, but there is no one around here who deserves that anger, I found myself just yelling at God, or rather, trying not to yell at God, and knowing that I could not take it on my own shoulders... what over time I've laid on my own shoulders is quite amazing. When after trying moment after moment to help my friends and they turn away from my advice then I blame myself, that's not right, I am not responsible for things out of my control, it would be like trying to blame myself for what happened in Haiti last week... somehow I doubt that had anything to do with me! Though my heart does break for those people, and I trust that right now God is there.

I started reading the Fellowship of the Ring again, it was so long ago that I don't actually remember any of it, there is one problem with what it's doing to me, it's making me want to right, my imagination is playing with the back story for Killan, it's time to write it, but I need to try to resist until next week. Maybe a little bit of it needs to be written down, especially as I've changed Henrietta's name again.... she just doesn't really fit any of her names, poor girl. Maybe Elanayia Helenayia, Elanetta Helenetta, those seems nice. The ray of sun smothered by the darkness of the wanderer, that is who she is, she is beautiful as the princess of Sparta ever could have been, and her betrayal of her homeland more terrible than that.

Since I started writing this I have gone off on more than one tangent. I am so glad that yesterday things got so much better. My heart feels a lot less broken! I was on the verge of driving myself insane, and am very glad that I didn't!

Now as I have a four hour exam in 45 hours I should get on with some revision, Augustine, The Cappadocians, Thomas Aquinas, Joachim of Fiore, Hobbes, Sherlock, Milton, Hegel, Moltmann and Von Balthasar, that's only 1500 years of Trinitarian Theology.