God's voice

There are times when I have heard God's voice so clearly that I wonder how I can ignore the command of my saviour. Yet somehow... by some means I manage to forget it. I remember when I was about 16 and I felt so disconnected from God, I knew that I'd felt His presence and love in my life over and again more powerfully than I could have imagined, He's showed me things that blew my mind, things that stunned and shocked me and made me love Him even more, yet here I was feeling like I was the otherside of an ocean. It was during a band practice. I had my 'cello in my arms and all I wanted to do was sit there and cry a flood of tears, I was trying to play and knowing that I couldn't, because right at that moment my playing needed to be worship and I didn't know how at that moment, ever note sounded wrong, my fingers couldn't find their places and the notes sounded so discordant, I was surrounded by musicians who were glorifying God at that moment. I dropped out, I stopped playing, because I didn't know what else to do save sound profane. I started to pray in my heart, I started screaming out to God in the pain I was in, 'how can I do this? how can I face tomorrow? why do I have to walk down the street and have rubbish and rocks hit me? why do I have to go back to that place where I have to wrestle guys twice my strength to just get my pen back from their hands just so I can do my work? where I have to be very aware of what's going on so I can duck before a chair hits my head?' and I was sat there screaming WHY! I needed strength, more strength than I could ever have on my own. Sometimes I had borrowed that strength from the sixthformers, my sisters friends, our matron, but human strength was not enough to face tomorrow, it never could have been.

So there I was, and the guys playing and C's singing filled my ears, and surrounded by that sounds of praise to heaven God entered in, He was right there with me, and I knew in that moment of beautiful clarity that I could face tomorrow, infact I could through it, in joy, because He gave me strength, strength that I could never have imagined. My fingers clasped around my bow again and the notes came, like a crashing wave, I have no idea what I played, but it came into the song with joy and love and adoration, praise to God for filling me at that moment with strength that was unimaginable.

Now I'm sitting here, and I know that some of that borrowed strength died and it grieves my heart, yet I realise, that I live today because God entered in. I survived the yesterday, remarkably, because Jesus Christ saved my life in many many ways. So I look around and I think - He's given me things to do, some really aren't ready yet, but I've chosen my essay topic for next semester already because He spoke to me about all this stuff I own, and He told me really clearly to give it up, not emotional or spiritually (though that does come into play in some cases), but literally, physically. I think when it comes past being able to count how many times He's said 'do this' I think maybe... I should have done it already.

Pax, χαριϲ, Liebe.