Here it is:

My life can be crazy, so full, so intense, as soon as that intensity stops I begin to crash. That crashing can be anything, from health to happiness.

I don't want that!

I don't want that anylonger... for so long it was all I was used to. I either run myself to burn out, or I stop and can't get up. I want to be happy, I want to find all my energy in God, I want to be so sure of who I am that nothing can shake me because my identity is ONLY found in Christ. I want to be strong enough to recognise the tricks of the devil so that I don't fall without realising what I'm doing. I know that there was the day over the summer when he tried to take me down, but everything was so clear. He keeps trying to take me down in the same way, but I'm so lost I don't stop it... I'm not fighting, I'm throwing one punch and giving up! I'm praying the armour of God for a day and then forgetting the next. I'm losing myself... I'm losing God. That's not who I am! That has never been who I am!

This is a fight that is already won, I cannot surrender when my victory has already been won! It's as if I'm trying to say to God I don't want you... I don't want salvation. I know that is such a lie! If God hadn't been present in my life the way He has, I would be dead, I would no one... I would have no identity, I could have no life. This is a fight for my life, a fight Christ won on the cross... a fight for my life... well you know what? I'm never going to die! Christian's can't die, none of us, we have salvation by the one who hold keys to death, we will NEVER die, we will fall asleep! We can only ever fall asleep! So trying to drag me away from that... could never succeed, I may have lost so much to death, yet at the funeral of the man who held the Kingdom in his heart was such a moment of peace. It was as if God was saying... live like that! Know me like that! He's not dead, he's just asleep, and he lives eternally. It was the most peaceful day of my life, how can I forget that? I look for those who hold the Kingdom in their heart, but I forget to strive for that...

The Kingdom of God is the deepest desire of my heart, it has been all my life. The song that was stuck in my head last year, the song that came back to me again and again until I stopped and thought about the words this summer. It plagued me, because God was telling me, He really was saying "seek ye first the Kingdom" I spent so long ignoring it, it took a year before I listened... I have to listen!

I feel like just writing a incredibly short entry like this:

Last night was awesome, God is amazing. That is all...

But I won't.

Last night I got to the end of my tether with this stuff, I couldn't stop crying, and got so sick of it. I said enough is enough. What ever this is I can face it, because God is here, and with me. So I took out my candles, incense, oil burner. In a dimly lit muggy room I started to pray. Pausing I felt inspired to re-write Ephesians 6:10ff, which is in Greek on my wall, and as I copied it out again, I prayed, I prayed each bit of it. I put on the Armour of God. I carried on praying. Sent some prayer request texts out, because I knew the dangers in what I was doing, and I started to ask God why.

Then it came, the answer, the words that I had heard earlier... Righteous Anger, I was angry, I was so angry. Yet somehow, that anger had been manipulated into hate, hate towards other people, towards God, and in an incredibly self-destructive way, towards myself. I began to think about Adam, about how he died, and knew that I was angry and that was okay. I gave up the hatred that had filled me, hatred towards those who had threatened my life, those that had entered my dreams. I let it go, I let God take it. I began to worship God, I let myself go, and joy began to fill me again!

Then came the ultimate test, I took out the list that I had made, a list of situations to deal with, to let go of, a list that I would have broken down reading a few hours previously. I read this list, and I felt nothing, no anger, no pain. There was too much joy in my heart.

So let me say it again. GOD IS AMAZING!

Indeed, it is time for a change my darling. Look around you, see how bright the day is, the day which you shut out like Haig... You are NOT Miss Haversham! He never meant that as a compliment, so do not for a second take THAT as a compliment. 

Dreams like last night... should not be in your mind. I crawled inside my wardrobe to hide from the world this morning, I needed to be completely surrounded. I read something that I shouldn't have last night. Part of me wants to face it, face what they did, what they said, but I can't, it's too painful. I suppose the contradictions just ring in my head, and its as if... he suggested that I change who I am to fit in, he didn't know that I'd done that, I'd done that over and again and again! And it made things worse so I gave up... because it was worse. It was worse to compromise, to change who I was, I miss who I used to be, I miss the original ME. The girl that spoke with a proper voice, who had surety, who had people around her who loved her like TJ. Then TJ left, and I suppose I gave up. Because I couldn't be strong without him, it didn't matter how the rest of them treated me, because he was there...

It does not matter anylonger, for the first time in my life, I'm surrounded by people who accept me for who I am. I had dreamt of this day, a far off dream, the imagining of a broken girl. Now I struggle, when the present is pain it is easier to get through in hope of the future, when the present is that hope, it seems easier to dwell in the past. Though regardless of this, I'm getting there, I'm making progress, and God is working in me. That is amazing. I just copied a list of bible verses from a website, I'm going to go through them, and remind myself of what God sees when he looks at me, because to Him, my clothes, my voice...none of it matters, He sees me.

It's been a year since Adam died. It's so weird, hard to believe. I'm listening to music that reminds me of him, I'm wearing gothic mourning clothes, I have to, he'd appreciate them. I don't care what the world thinks, what the world sees today. I loved him.

Just some rambling.

Things have been really hard, but I really do have hope. I've made the decision that I'm going no where near Facebook or Twitter for a bit, I open those pages like I go to the fridge when I can't think or am bored... (mostly fruitless journey's I might add!) This weekend if I decide to catch up on anything of that ilk then it will be Boundless.org articles. I got in from CU tonight and just started tidying, which is a great thing. It always helps me focus, whenever I have prayer vigils I always start by tidying and cleaning.

I've also got to do something different with music, even though Amanda Palmer's solo music isn't going to drive me crazy like Girl Anachronism did, and so I can enjoy it's beauty, I need to really focus on giving my heart back to God. So it will be a weekend of Brenton Brown, Tim Hughes, Matt Redman, Rebecca St James and Casting Crowns - with maybe some Superchick thrown in if I'm feeling really upbeat!

The pain in my right arm is really starting to annoy me, and I've realised that it's a bit of RSI from playing Circe, which means I'm going to have to give the 'cello a rest for a few days. Though I can't say that's a bad thing, playing melancholic music doesn't aid, especially when I do it so badly!

... I just started to get distracted by Boundless! That's good... but Office Hours (one of the best column's EVER) can and must wait until at least tomorrow.

Over the next two days I'm going to re-focus my mind, going to work out eating properly as well. Track down some chorizo and made bean stew in my new casserole, that will made me feel better! Hum, still got to work out what to do with the chicken, maybe just do it like I did the last one, put it in the oven in batches to make extra crispy... I haven't done that yet because I just haven't been hungry... I really need to sort that out - though the reintroduction of breakfast has been AMAZING! Which is one of the reasons why I don't want to go on the elimination diet the dietician suggested, because I won't be able to eat rye, and I'll have to eat rice... which I'm technically allergic to which doesn't make sense! Also Lamb does make me feel sick... so I really don't see how that will work. Heavens! If that's been at the back of my mind all this time, then...no wonder. Okay, I really do have to stop worrying about that! I will eat. (not now because I'll not sleep!) But tomorrow, I will eat rye flakes with dates, figs, apricots and cranberries and goats yoguart. Then chicken and chips, with maybe some spinach (if its still edible!) if not, then some of the brassicaceaes which are in the freezer. Hum, then I'll make me stew!

Need a list now... going to update my other blog, then sign off and find some make-up remover... which is the only reason why I don't do this everyday! I miss it, dressing up. Grabbing random layers and putting them together and not giving a damn what the world thinks, I don't get why I only do it when I'm depressed, and it's not... it's not hiding (I mean... probably partially, because I was less noticed like that!) it's reverting to self, to self expression in the way I connect most! I feel more comfortable in a corset and a flowing skirt than I ever could in a pair of trousers! It would be better if I had some decent Victorian lace-up boots like I used to, but I'll have to make do with my modern shoes! (though to have ballet shoes inside is amazing, because I can feel the laces tied against my legs and if I take the boots off then I can curl up and feel the satin against the floor or my hands, and that's beautiful. Like being barefoot on a lawn on a dewy summer morning, the cool wet grass against skin, the sun shinning down, onto tiptoes, pirouette, cool breeze, hair flowing, simple long, cotton gown made off modest rough fabric - unbleached, like the dress I had from Harriet when I was 13, simple, elegant, comfortable. Dancing across that lawn, like the lawn at Upton, lying sleeping, going to the window seat, like at Cotehele, watching the rain pour down, then going to the Library, layed out like the one at Coughton Court. Oh my, dreaming little doormouse! Sleep!

Resting in the Shadow of God

This must begin.

I have waited for the moment to begin this, but now seems quite apt. For it is when in the pit of despair that the soul cries out most for God, and in His very awesomeness, His presence in our lives He answers.

At the Christian Union meeting tonight there was a question posed, asking the three most important things in our lives. All that came into my mind: 1) Father, 2) Son, 3) Spirit. Because... without God, what is life? It's nothingness disappears into the abyss, completely lost, and pointless. Yet that relationship, that trinity that is visible in the Creator's creation, without relation to God, there is no purpose or design, without relation to others, God's design cannot be encouraged, and edified (though there are half a hundred words to describe this). The point is, we need, and desire primarily God, and secondly God's creation. Without the first, the second becomes distorted and destroyed, without the second - yes there is survival - but without the second the first has such little poignance.

This is all an aside. When we are hurt and weak, God moves, regardless of whether we see or not, He moves. My life recently has been a flurry of bad events, trying to see God through them has been hard. Recently I've come to the realisation (though my own reflection, and the insight of trusted friends) that I'm alright, even if things are bad, and upsetting, that's fine, because I KNOW God is there, I'm not going to try to not know that, I could never get back to that, I tried it for a time, almost destroyed me!

Yet with God through all of it, how ever dark it gets, there is such light, a light that can never be overshadowed or overcome. A light that has won victory over darkness, over death, over sin, all for me, and in my place. Deny that... and deny life.

At some point in this post I was also going to get the point that God made to me earlier. A little time ago, a friend of mine did a study that really spoke. He talked about resting the shadow of God. Now that sounds like quite a challenging phrase to understand, I currently forget his talk on it, but I felt like it was something I needed to know again. I was inspired to read Genesis 19 earlier... I got to verse eight "unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof." For Lot, these 'men' who had come under the shadow of his roof meant he had a right to protect them above all others, above his own family. This began me thinking, if Lot, a sinful man, would protect strangers above his daughters because they dwelt in his shadow, if we dwell in the shadow of God, how much protection and safety do we have? In the shadow of God, we are safer than than if we were anywhere else. Psalm 91 "He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. he shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler." There, firmly secured within the Old Testament Psalms is that beautiful imagery we see in Ephesians 6, the belt of truth.

Above all, we must trust God. His protection is above the snares, against the arrows, beyond darkness and behind Him, in His shadow. Live in the shadow of the Almighty, dwell in God.

I feel like making this a little bit more account like... I've got a bit more of my essay done, and am just taking a break to write this whilst I look up some random facts like the date of the fall of Constantinople. I found a great new coffee shop. I just didn't feel like Starbucks this morning, and Silbury will be so... crowded! So I found some free parking (in the fog...) behind the hub and am now in Gloria Jeans, drinking Mudslide coffee... I like this, I like this a lot.

The weekend was interesting, lighting fires and keeping them going, not easy when the wind is blowing down the chimney... but it didn't chock me out... which is wonderful! Managed to get that sorted eventually, Saturday I went to see Deneille and got to meet the rest of the family, which was fantastic! After I went to see Colette, which was a great time just curled up on the sofa chatting, decided not to get into the argument about the ordination of women... she thinks its unbiblical. That evening was Roger's party, lots of fun! Enjoyed helping set up, seeing some old friends, and chatting with some great people I had only ever heard of in passing.

Sunday was lovely at church, Harvey asked me to be involved in the Carol Concert next week, which is going to be fun, makes me really feel a part of the church, especially after his email about it! Carol Concert outside in mid-December... going to be fun! Yesterday I spent too much time in Silbury... its a strange place to be... felt all... homely, especially with Laurence trying to put mini plastic blue combs in my hair... WEIRDO!

Now I really should get back to my essay...